Breaking Point
These lines are observations/reflections of my mom from the perspective of me, an involved bystander, broken-hearted....It's one thing to have to come to terms with a disease that's beating your body, from the inside out, killing you....Then, on top of that, at the same time to have to also experience losing your memory, your control--how mind-blowing and excruciatingly painful--for yourself and your family! I can’t imagine the hell she’s suffering, only support, care, cry, observe, ponder, reflect, and pray--always pray. May God be merciful and grant my mother--my beautiful, brilliant, proud, accomplished, vibrant, giving, selfless, loving mother—peace, love, comfort, and meaningful time left with us and spare her the suffering and the torture of being trapped while feeling her body and mind break down. Lord, please, hold, wrap, and keep her in Thine loving embrace, I'm begging....I pray they find a cure for cancer, and with each passing day my mom lives, I'm praying to keep hope alive and give thanks for the daily miracle and blessing of life. As always, thanks for reading and for letting me vent to understand, to release, and to share my experience with you. --Eliza
Sad but so--
I now know
what caused Edvard Munch's Scream.
What makes
the ice crack,
the nail chip,
the fabric stretch tight,
tighter,
tightest still.
To the breaking point.
All ripped up. To shreds.
I'm there.
SO there.
Reeling.
Teetering.
Hanging on to...
Dear God,
save her, please!
Give her peace.
Give us air and
chance to breathe,
chance to understand.
Helpless to watch as
that terrible tumor trembles,
tracing, digging, metastasizing
all through your bones,
digs out new pits of despair--
all yours to discover with
each passing day.
So unfair!
Forcing you to face fresh pain
again and again.
You feel it; but please know that
we do, too, right there with you.
Just not the same way.
Heaving chests, brimming hearts
spill tears across splitting ropes,
smashing hopes and
incomplete dreams
like plates to the ground.
Waves of love and sadness
crash, wash through
the house, through us all,
knocking us down.
Still around, true.
Still with us,
but not quite,
ever fading sight with
the light that dims the
sum of all parts not the same
in the mindless night
giving fright a voice now,
every noise scares, makes aware of
how much has now gone.
Snap!
Just like that!
Won't come back--
Give it back, damn you,
do what I say right now,
or else!
Or else what?
Listen to me,
I'm still in control of what this is,
(you always say “It is what it is,” right?)
and what it will be,
so, listen to me now....
Fraying skin splitting dried lips
as I slip, slide and
fall by the wayside of
what I wanted to do,
not what I just did,
hidden away, bow my head.
Realizing instead
there's a mess of my body and bed.
Hunched over my walker,
clinging to stand,
to remember.
What was it that you said?
I can’t remember!
Step, stagger, step, sway.
Deadly dance underway
with your grim and graceful partner,
who spins, dips you low,
and slow, ever slowly steals,
siphons away strength like a kiss
while you sleep.
I’m so tired, but
I don't want to go to bed.
I didn't sign up for that, or this--
Is this how it is from now on?
Oh, wow, I didn’t know....
Who is this that I am now--
I'm not me, not like this,
not this way, no way!
I pray to God--
Say this isn't happening--
Spare me from this prison of
crumbling body and
memory fading from my mind....
So harsh, so unkind to remind me
and rub my nose in it like that.
Just be done with it already!
I'm ready, now, I think,
I’m ok, really, sign me up....
No, wait, did I just say that out loud?
Everything's all one great big
fuzzy cloud of confusion
hanging over me lately,
all mumbo jumbo noise--
Turn it down!
I can't hear myself think anymore,
or feel myself real anymore.
It's leaking all over the floor again.
I’m sorry I’ve made such a mess.
Is that what I've become, now?
A mess?
Is it? IS IT?!
WELL?!
What do I do now?
Please!
Help me,
No!
Leave me alone,
give me back my rights, my life!
Let me do what I want
when I want, how I want--
if I only knew what that was....
Don’t rush me,
don’t push me!
Wait!
Please!
Just
give
me
a
minute.
Okay? Okay.
Thanks....
Let me sit here and
rest for awhile.
Let me think.
Quietly. Shhh--
Let me remember.
Deep Breath.
Pray.
I’m fine,
and I will be.
You’ll see.
Don’t worry....
Smile, don't cry.
“I love you The Mostest!”
“Kiss, Kiss!”
“Love, Love!”
"Oh, yeah!"
See you....
Written By Eliza Jane Farley Gomez
Friday, February 25, 2011
rev. June 10, 2015
Sad but so--
I now know
what caused Edvard Munch's Scream.
What makes
the ice crack,
the nail chip,
the fabric stretch tight,
tighter,
tightest still.
To the breaking point.
All ripped up. To shreds.
I'm there.
SO there.
Reeling.
Teetering.
Hanging on to...
Dear God,
save her, please!
Give her peace.
Give us air and
chance to breathe,
chance to understand.
Helpless to watch as
that terrible tumor trembles,
tracing, digging, metastasizing
all through your bones,
digs out new pits of despair--
all yours to discover with
each passing day.
So unfair!
Forcing you to face fresh pain
again and again.
You feel it; but please know that
we do, too, right there with you.
Just not the same way.
Heaving chests, brimming hearts
spill tears across splitting ropes,
smashing hopes and
incomplete dreams
like plates to the ground.
Waves of love and sadness
crash, wash through
the house, through us all,
knocking us down.
Still around, true.
Still with us,
but not quite,
ever fading sight with
the light that dims the
sum of all parts not the same
in the mindless night
giving fright a voice now,
every noise scares, makes aware of
how much has now gone.
Snap!
Just like that!
Won't come back--
Give it back, damn you,
do what I say right now,
or else!
Or else what?
Listen to me,
I'm still in control of what this is,
(you always say “It is what it is,” right?)
and what it will be,
so, listen to me now....
Fraying skin splitting dried lips
as I slip, slide and
fall by the wayside of
what I wanted to do,
not what I just did,
hidden away, bow my head.
Realizing instead
there's a mess of my body and bed.
Hunched over my walker,
clinging to stand,
to remember.
What was it that you said?
I can’t remember!
Step, stagger, step, sway.
Deadly dance underway
with your grim and graceful partner,
who spins, dips you low,
and slow, ever slowly steals,
siphons away strength like a kiss
while you sleep.
I’m so tired, but
I don't want to go to bed.
I didn't sign up for that, or this--
Is this how it is from now on?
Oh, wow, I didn’t know....
Who is this that I am now--
I'm not me, not like this,
not this way, no way!
I pray to God--
Say this isn't happening--
Spare me from this prison of
crumbling body and
memory fading from my mind....
So harsh, so unkind to remind me
and rub my nose in it like that.
Just be done with it already!
I'm ready, now, I think,
I’m ok, really, sign me up....
No, wait, did I just say that out loud?
Everything's all one great big
fuzzy cloud of confusion
hanging over me lately,
all mumbo jumbo noise--
Turn it down!
I can't hear myself think anymore,
or feel myself real anymore.
It's leaking all over the floor again.
I’m sorry I’ve made such a mess.
Is that what I've become, now?
A mess?
Is it? IS IT?!
WELL?!
What do I do now?
Please!
Help me,
No!
Leave me alone,
give me back my rights, my life!
Let me do what I want
when I want, how I want--
if I only knew what that was....
Don’t rush me,
don’t push me!
Wait!
Please!
Just
give
me
a
minute.
Okay? Okay.
Thanks....
Let me sit here and
rest for awhile.
Let me think.
Quietly. Shhh--
Let me remember.
Deep Breath.
Pray.
I’m fine,
and I will be.
You’ll see.
Don’t worry....
Smile, don't cry.
“I love you The Mostest!”
“Kiss, Kiss!”
“Love, Love!”
"Oh, yeah!"
See you....
Written By Eliza Jane Farley Gomez
Friday, February 25, 2011
rev. June 10, 2015
LOVE YOU TOO, MONIKA :) CANCER DOES SUX :(
ReplyDeleteI pray they can find a cure soon....