Through the Looking Glass

Sometimes I gotta admit, I truly feel like I'm looking through the looking glass, things just seem that extremely odd and surreal. OK, so Alice in Wonderland was one of my all-time favorite books as a girl, SO WHAT? Now, I'm not saying that if I nibble a bit of cake that I'll grow into a giant—by today's societal standards, I already AM one. Standing Tall. Amazon Me ::beating her chest::….Nor am I saying that if I take a swig of something that I'll shrink into a mini-me ::stifling a giggle:::….Nor am I openly admitting to seeing talking rabbits run past me (believe me, my cat would take issue with that one).
But, sometimes you take a look at your reflection in the mirror and see not your reflection, but the reflection of your life… Of what it might have been, what it would have been, what it could have been-- and see it flicker against the contrast of what your life actually is at the present moment.
When you look in the mirror of your life, do you like what you see? :::breathing on the glass, rubbing it clean to get a good look:::
Does your reflection smile back at you, beckon you to romp through your happy memories and accomplishments? Do your eyes shine with the light of a happy and fulfilled life? Or do you look a little closer, dissatisfied with your reflection, noticing the dullness of your complexion, the tarnished, lackluster countenance of life worn down by compromise and regret? Do you often wonder if you made the right choices, took the right path, picked the right mate in life? Do you find yourself pondering about how different your life would be if you had only (fill in the blank here with whatever you like)….
Sometimes, when we bump into or come across a "blast from our past" these thoughts dance across our minds. This isn't a bad thing, no, not at all….Actually, in the world of adult education and leadership/professional development, this is called reflective practice—looking back to see where you've been, where you are, look forward to where you want to go, and sort of evaluate your progress or movement. People who regularly use this technique are called "reflective practitioners." I tend to do this. A lot. Hey, what can I say, I'm prone to fits of mental wandering :::twirling her blonde hair::::
This happened to me just recently, causing me to really take a good look….someone from my past, someone I hadn't heard from in years, contacted me. Happens every day to people everywhere….For a moment I sat reflecting on the choice I made that took my life in a completely different direction from his. :::cue the cheesy music::: We were young (sigh), full of life, quite reckless with passion and experimentation (heaving bosom)…. Caught up in these reminiscences, my mind then strolled past numerous other people with whom my life linked, wondering what my life would look like had I stayed with each one (individually, of course, not collectively—let's not get too carried away!). In one instance, my life would financially be much more secure; in another I might be completely dedicated as a homemaker and mother; and in a third, I would be looked upon as a partner, much like a business partner.
Hmmm….so why did I make the choice I did? Why did I pick the man I'm with for all time and eternity? Why him and not the others???
A little deeper reflection begged these questions: would I be happier than I am now? Would I be my truest self? And, for both of those questions, going through each individual scenario as carefully and lovingly as I would brush my cat, I found my most honest answer to both: No.
Of course on the one hand, financial security, living a life of luxury and refinement, the beautiful tranquility of being a homemaker and mother, and the satisfaction of being respected as equal are enough to make most women weak in the knees and a bit misty-eyed….I won't lie, temptation might lay with each prospective situation. Who yearns to live paycheck to paycheck, who doesn't want to have a lovely home, live in the lap of luxury, with several beautiful children?
However, in every one of these scenarios hides the very basic reality that I would have had to bridle, restrain, diminish aspects of who I really am…in order to live out those rosy dreams with those choice individuals, I would have had to compromise, downplay, or even deny certain aspects of "Eliza"—whether it be a sarcastic/risqué sense of humor, my love of open-minded and engaging conversations about politics, philosophy, art, religion, and life in general; or the simple fact that I've lived a colorful life of experiences, some of which are pretty ugly, but they're nothing to be dusted under the carpet or forgotten about, but to be harnessed and channeled to do a greater good; or, the simple fact that I am a strong, intelligent, deeply sensitive and passionate person who lives to walk hand-in-hand with her truest, dearest companion and look them in the eye as partner and equal.
So, if I am my happiest now, my truest self now, why is that?
I am truly and honestly all of those things with the man I chose: my husband, my soul mate, my other half, my partner, my love. With him, while financially we might not have everything that we thought we might have by this stage in our lives, I have emotional, spiritual, and intellectual love and freedom. Every couple has their challenges and moments; and, believe you me, we're no exception. Yet, with him I have been accepted, nurtured, balanced, understood, encouraged, supported, adored, and completed. I am me—ALL of me—the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the funny, the mad—ALL of me. Nothing covered up, nothing hidden—all exposed, no excuses or apologies needed. With him I truly feel the deepest love I've ever felt in my life. I'll take that any day and twice on Sundays, thank you very much….
I think this tendency to review the choices we've made in our lives is only natural. Not to say that I keep looking back all the time, wondering if I made the right decisions; but, rather, making sure that the course I'm on is bringing out the best result in me and that I'm constantly evaluating my actions to ensure I attain my goals and objectives. Keeping me on track. Temporally as well as spiritually, on and on throughout all eternity….
When I look in the mirror of my life, what do I see? I see a woman incredibly happy, profoundly grateful, completely loved, living potential…
I see a WOMAN FULFILLED….

Copyright ©2010 by Eliza Jane Farley Gomez