A Time to Fail
Hey everyone! Yes, I know I've been gone awhile from here--I've neglected my creative inner voice. BUT, I have had some very GOOD REASON....
So, it's my birthday today, so I had to take some time to share what's been going on and to try to get my writing bearings back on track a smidge.
Reflecting upon my life, my self, my situation right now, I'm just so dang grateful. Truly. What a ride it's been! I'm owning up to several things now that I'd like to freely share in the hopes of either contributing to the generalizable knowledge base, or to add a voice to my experience that might help or encourage or somehow help others.
I'm not perfect, I'm not fake, I'm not holier-than-thou. I don't pretend to be anything other than authentic, genuine, and sincere. Period. Oh, and blonde. Can't forget that, LOL!
I try, I succeed, and sometimes I fail. OK, lately, I seem to be failing a LOT!
Even failure has a silver lining, as it's such a valuable teacher. I don't share to put myself out there for attention or to fish for compliments--trust me, I'm not that insecure most days.
Simply put, I share because others have shared with me. Others have mentored me, have taken time with me, have guided and led me. I cannot and WILL not do less. The future generation requires, demands, nay, DESERVES this from all of us. We are all teachers. We are all leaders. We are all students. We are all followers--this never ends, it's eternal, people!
I want to focus on the past couple of years--from 2014 until the present day. What has happened to me? Well, let's see. We packed up and sold my parents'/my childhood home. We bought a home a county (and another totally different world) away. I thought I had landed my dream job, which quickly turned out to be the wrong thing for me at that moment, no matter how much I wanted it to be otherwise. We moved. I had no job. I had some serious healing to do after going through everything with my folks' passing.
Silly me, I thought that "tiny" move would be easy--both personally and professionally. Especially since our dearest friends did the same and were now in our neighborhood. YAY, right?!
In a word: WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
This work thing was by far the most unexpected, and unwelcome thing to experience--as I found it took me almost 1.5 years to re-enter the workforce. When I finally returned to full-time work, it was in a diminished capacity at a salary rate that was a fraction of what I had been earning before, with no room for growth or development. As a result, I am in a job where I don't really fit, working at less than my capacity or my usual reputation--in an effort to maintain my sanity and preserve myself. Not proud of that, but it's a work in progress.
Being in crisis mode during this time, I feel I pulled back from my faith-based community, although that was not at all my intent--I felt I've been running on empty and simply had to. Probably a poor choice, but I'm being totally honest here.
My husband wasn't working, due to health reasons, for over 2 years. That combination of both of us not working for an extended period of time wreaked havoc for us financially and even personally. He had life-saving and life-changing surgery and was unable to return to his previous career and embarked on a dramatic career change. Change is harder for some more than others, as is learning. My hubby has taken up this challenge like a rock star and I'm so proud of him for always putting himself out there!
Failure to work, failure to make some smarter long-term decisions, I just saw failure everywhere I looked. Crisis mode for 2 years is enough to make the sanest of us crazy.
Looking at this now, I realize this time allowed me (and my hubby, too) to fail freely--to embrace the learning moments, to understand on the deepest level, to change, and evolve. Terrence, this is powerful stuff. Razing us to the core, to be able to emerge from the flames improved, stronger, better than before. This has humbled me in such a profound way that I don't know if I would have appreciated it in another setting. Painful, but honest. And true.
At this lowest point, the Big Guy Upstairs/Heavenly Father/The Universe decided to mix things up a bit, answering a prayer I had been keeping in my heart and mind for nearly 20 years--we got a very unexpected chance to become foster and now adoptive parents to a precious soul who was prepared just for us! Talk about awful timing--or, was it?!
Being at our most humble and vulnerable point, I feel it's opened us up on the deepest level--affording us to bathe in the gratitude of the gift and opportunity we've been blessed with. I love more powerfully than before, if that's even possible. I'm much more patient than before, dismissing the truly insignificant and unimportant distractions of this modern life and focusing on what really matters. I feel it's making us better parents, better partners, better individuals in general. Maybe it's my own warped perspective, but it bears considering.
By sharing our experience in our fostering and adoptive journey, I've learned that others have not only learned about our process, but they themselves are embarking on similar journeys which will transform their lives and the lives of these beautiful children forever. That's something I never anticipated nor expected--but it, too, humbles me beyond words.
By expressing my emotions, feelings, thoughts, and reflections I engage and also absorb and evolve continually. My dialogue with others, whether face-to-face or virtually, is a powerful tool I hope continues to be positive, nurturing, encouraging, accepting, and authentic.
Someday I'll actually get my books/dreams written--struggling with my own inner demons on getting those un-blocked and actually completed. My personal goal is to get something finished by the end of this year and we'll see where things go from there. For some reason, 2017 just is the year. If you don't write it down, it's not real--so this is my first of many steps to make it real for REALS this time :)
My parents' wisdom, memories, and presence abide with me, and I treasure and celebrate that. I miss them dearly, often to tears and laughter. Sometimes I'm emotional, sometimes I'm laid-back, and sometimes life is just circus-crazy. Learning to find joy and gratitude in failure, in rebuilding, and appreciating that process is a priceless gift for which I'm so thankful.
I'm thankful for the age spots on my face, the laugh lines, the bags under my eyes. I'm grateful for poopy diapers, for soft cuddles, for runny noses. I'm grateful for the peals of contagious giggles echoing through the house and the sound of toys being played with. I'm grateful for the chance to feel fulfilled despite annoying jobs, to feel adored by my soul's mate at the end of a long and crazy day, and to hold hands no matter what's going on.
I'm not the clothes I wear. I'm not the car I drive. I'm not the position I hold nor the credentials behind my name. I'm not a calling in church. I'm not my house, nor my neighborhood. I'm not my jewelry nor my purse, nor my shoes on my feet. I'm definitely not my credit score.
I'm a WOMAN. I'm a Daughter. I'm a Sister. I'm a Friend. I'm a Lover. I'm a Partner/Soulmate. I'm a MOMMY. I'm the twinkle in my Daddy's/hubby's/baby boy's eyes. I'm the fierce mama bear advocating for her little one with every breath and effort in her to make sure he's getting what he needs and deserves from this life. I'm the hug at the start and end of the day. I'm the warm kiss on your cheek. I'm the eye-roll and wink and totally unladylike snort at a corny joke. I'm the contented sigh, I'm the one getting back up after falling down and trying again or starting over. I'm the one working my scars and imperfections into my own personal mix. I'm gratitude for every little thing in a recent world where the big things have gone totally sideways.
I'm the tears for the tender mercies and quietest moments when I can be still and KNOW HE IS GOD.
I. Am. FULFILLED.
I'm grateful for the chance to improve my health to be able to be active and present in every facet of my baby boy's beautiful life. I'm deeply thankful for incredibly caring and supportive friends/family "Framily" who have been answers to more prayers than you'll ever know. For an amazing day care which is a home away from home and beautifully nurturing and stimulating place of love and learning and laughter.
At the end of the day, I'm the most grateful to simply be comfortable and happy in my own skin. At 44, I'm so richly blessed and fortunate. For every. Little. Thing.
Thank You!
So, it's my birthday today, so I had to take some time to share what's been going on and to try to get my writing bearings back on track a smidge.
Reflecting upon my life, my self, my situation right now, I'm just so dang grateful. Truly. What a ride it's been! I'm owning up to several things now that I'd like to freely share in the hopes of either contributing to the generalizable knowledge base, or to add a voice to my experience that might help or encourage or somehow help others.
I'm not perfect, I'm not fake, I'm not holier-than-thou. I don't pretend to be anything other than authentic, genuine, and sincere. Period. Oh, and blonde. Can't forget that, LOL!
I try, I succeed, and sometimes I fail. OK, lately, I seem to be failing a LOT!
Even failure has a silver lining, as it's such a valuable teacher. I don't share to put myself out there for attention or to fish for compliments--trust me, I'm not that insecure most days.
Simply put, I share because others have shared with me. Others have mentored me, have taken time with me, have guided and led me. I cannot and WILL not do less. The future generation requires, demands, nay, DESERVES this from all of us. We are all teachers. We are all leaders. We are all students. We are all followers--this never ends, it's eternal, people!
I want to focus on the past couple of years--from 2014 until the present day. What has happened to me? Well, let's see. We packed up and sold my parents'/my childhood home. We bought a home a county (and another totally different world) away. I thought I had landed my dream job, which quickly turned out to be the wrong thing for me at that moment, no matter how much I wanted it to be otherwise. We moved. I had no job. I had some serious healing to do after going through everything with my folks' passing.
Silly me, I thought that "tiny" move would be easy--both personally and professionally. Especially since our dearest friends did the same and were now in our neighborhood. YAY, right?!
In a word: WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
This work thing was by far the most unexpected, and unwelcome thing to experience--as I found it took me almost 1.5 years to re-enter the workforce. When I finally returned to full-time work, it was in a diminished capacity at a salary rate that was a fraction of what I had been earning before, with no room for growth or development. As a result, I am in a job where I don't really fit, working at less than my capacity or my usual reputation--in an effort to maintain my sanity and preserve myself. Not proud of that, but it's a work in progress.
Being in crisis mode during this time, I feel I pulled back from my faith-based community, although that was not at all my intent--I felt I've been running on empty and simply had to. Probably a poor choice, but I'm being totally honest here.
My husband wasn't working, due to health reasons, for over 2 years. That combination of both of us not working for an extended period of time wreaked havoc for us financially and even personally. He had life-saving and life-changing surgery and was unable to return to his previous career and embarked on a dramatic career change. Change is harder for some more than others, as is learning. My hubby has taken up this challenge like a rock star and I'm so proud of him for always putting himself out there!
Failure to work, failure to make some smarter long-term decisions, I just saw failure everywhere I looked. Crisis mode for 2 years is enough to make the sanest of us crazy.
Looking at this now, I realize this time allowed me (and my hubby, too) to fail freely--to embrace the learning moments, to understand on the deepest level, to change, and evolve. Terrence, this is powerful stuff. Razing us to the core, to be able to emerge from the flames improved, stronger, better than before. This has humbled me in such a profound way that I don't know if I would have appreciated it in another setting. Painful, but honest. And true.
At this lowest point, the Big Guy Upstairs/Heavenly Father/The Universe decided to mix things up a bit, answering a prayer I had been keeping in my heart and mind for nearly 20 years--we got a very unexpected chance to become foster and now adoptive parents to a precious soul who was prepared just for us! Talk about awful timing--or, was it?!
Being at our most humble and vulnerable point, I feel it's opened us up on the deepest level--affording us to bathe in the gratitude of the gift and opportunity we've been blessed with. I love more powerfully than before, if that's even possible. I'm much more patient than before, dismissing the truly insignificant and unimportant distractions of this modern life and focusing on what really matters. I feel it's making us better parents, better partners, better individuals in general. Maybe it's my own warped perspective, but it bears considering.
By sharing our experience in our fostering and adoptive journey, I've learned that others have not only learned about our process, but they themselves are embarking on similar journeys which will transform their lives and the lives of these beautiful children forever. That's something I never anticipated nor expected--but it, too, humbles me beyond words.
By expressing my emotions, feelings, thoughts, and reflections I engage and also absorb and evolve continually. My dialogue with others, whether face-to-face or virtually, is a powerful tool I hope continues to be positive, nurturing, encouraging, accepting, and authentic.
Someday I'll actually get my books/dreams written--struggling with my own inner demons on getting those un-blocked and actually completed. My personal goal is to get something finished by the end of this year and we'll see where things go from there. For some reason, 2017 just is the year. If you don't write it down, it's not real--so this is my first of many steps to make it real for REALS this time :)
My parents' wisdom, memories, and presence abide with me, and I treasure and celebrate that. I miss them dearly, often to tears and laughter. Sometimes I'm emotional, sometimes I'm laid-back, and sometimes life is just circus-crazy. Learning to find joy and gratitude in failure, in rebuilding, and appreciating that process is a priceless gift for which I'm so thankful.
I'm thankful for the age spots on my face, the laugh lines, the bags under my eyes. I'm grateful for poopy diapers, for soft cuddles, for runny noses. I'm grateful for the peals of contagious giggles echoing through the house and the sound of toys being played with. I'm grateful for the chance to feel fulfilled despite annoying jobs, to feel adored by my soul's mate at the end of a long and crazy day, and to hold hands no matter what's going on.
I'm not the clothes I wear. I'm not the car I drive. I'm not the position I hold nor the credentials behind my name. I'm not a calling in church. I'm not my house, nor my neighborhood. I'm not my jewelry nor my purse, nor my shoes on my feet. I'm definitely not my credit score.
I'm a WOMAN. I'm a Daughter. I'm a Sister. I'm a Friend. I'm a Lover. I'm a Partner/Soulmate. I'm a MOMMY. I'm the twinkle in my Daddy's/hubby's/baby boy's eyes. I'm the fierce mama bear advocating for her little one with every breath and effort in her to make sure he's getting what he needs and deserves from this life. I'm the hug at the start and end of the day. I'm the warm kiss on your cheek. I'm the eye-roll and wink and totally unladylike snort at a corny joke. I'm the contented sigh, I'm the one getting back up after falling down and trying again or starting over. I'm the one working my scars and imperfections into my own personal mix. I'm gratitude for every little thing in a recent world where the big things have gone totally sideways.
I'm the tears for the tender mercies and quietest moments when I can be still and KNOW HE IS GOD.
I. Am. FULFILLED.
I'm grateful for the chance to improve my health to be able to be active and present in every facet of my baby boy's beautiful life. I'm deeply thankful for incredibly caring and supportive friends/family "Framily" who have been answers to more prayers than you'll ever know. For an amazing day care which is a home away from home and beautifully nurturing and stimulating place of love and learning and laughter.
At the end of the day, I'm the most grateful to simply be comfortable and happy in my own skin. At 44, I'm so richly blessed and fortunate. For every. Little. Thing.
Thank You!
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OK, y'all have been kind enough to "hear me out"& n stuff, so let me know whatcha think, if I've rattled yer cage, voiced a shared thought or concern, or if you're gonna attain Enlightenment upon reading these DEEP THOUGHTS, or if ya think I'm just plumb WACKO--but please be decent in your expression of your sentiments, there's no need to sling mud, unless we're in POTTERY CLASS or at the BEACH! Thanks for reading n stuff...Laters!